Three weeks ago Friday, I took Sadie for our usual early morning walk, and as we walked I was thinking today is the day I find out I have cancer. And it was a totally surreal moment. I didn't have any idea what it would mean or how I would feel. Six hours later, I was walking her again, thinking, okay now I know I have cancer and still I didn't quite get what it meant or what I felt.
It has been a crazy ride to say the least. I had an ugly mole removed - at the time purely for vanity's sake, nothing more. The dermatologist agreed that it was more unsightly than anything and not to worry. Ha. Turns out it was malignant melanoma, and all of a sudden my ugly mole became a tumor. And of course it had to be deep, and they had no idea how far into the leg it went, and there was a chance that it had to spread to my lymph nodes. And, as the dermatologist said "this is serious".
The shock was numbing, the tears were many, beyond many. We are fortunate that we both work for a division chief who is compassionate and has connections. We are lucky my best friend said bad things didn't happen to her, so it was all going to be okay. We are lucky that Eric just happened to be writing a grant with the head of the cancer center on early cancer detection systems. I got in to see the best melanoma surgeon in the city. I had my initial appointment and surgery in the same week. And then we waited. My parents came and waited with us. And waited on me. We couldn't have gotten through it without them being here.
And we wrestled with the notion - do we tell people, do we wait, what does one do? Is this serious? Are we over-reacting? About 4 days after the initial diagnosis, I came to a realization - I couldn't do this alone, I needed people to know. So, I told my family. I told my friends. I told my co-workers. And I became completely overwhelmed by the outpouring of prayers, love and support I got. And my second realization came to me - no matter what the outcome we would be okay because we weren't alone.
And I say we, because it wasn't just me - it was Eric too. And I am so proud about the way he handled all of this. And yes, we both cried lots, but he has been so strong and brave and had no qualms telling me to shut up when I would blabber about finding him someone to love the kids as much as I did. He talked to his friends and had a support all his own. That was good.
So, the results finally came last week. And I am fine - everything was negative. I got the clean lymph node I so desperately wanted for mother's day. Things will be different - visits to dermatologists and oncologists for monitoring, a 4 inch scar up the back of my leg. It was a hellish experience. And I wish I could say it was all over, but I still need time to convince myself it is truly over. And I know in time it will. I will watch my kids grow old and I will enjoy every single day I am given.
